I have been out of form for a while, part because I was busy - part because I was not, welcome to my world :)
So lately I have been travelling to work with Mr. Husband and amidst some cozy PDA, we have been engaging in some worldly knowledge sharing sessions. The beauty of these conversations is that before we come to conclusions, it is time to say see you in the evening!
One such conversation today made ponder, retrospect and introspect!
Complex!
Sounds difficult and is difficult to understand and express! Complex!
We spoke of someone we know an how I felt they had a deep complex of how they looked and the fact that to us, this individual seemed perfectly normal and in fact really radiant. While we discussed the positives of this individuals, it was time for me to get off the comfortable car ride and hop on to the bumpy auto ride to my work place.
On my ride ahead, I kept thinking of this person and what could have led to them think of themselves as inferior. Lost in thoughts, I actually forgot who I was thinking about, was I still analyzing a third person or was I thinking about myself?
I say that I don't care about what people think and feel about me, but the picture of that flabby arm bothers me more than my classic expressions in the picture. My newly fitted, size 12 dress amuses me less than the fact that my teeth look yellow. Looking at nostalgic videos, I am really insecure about how stupid I sound when listening to my recorded voice.
The list of my complexes can definitely beat Sanjay Dutt's list of drugs he tried before going to that fancy rehab where they take you trekking to forget drugs and dance to desterss!
So what do complexes do? For me, my complexes have made me do a lot and most things in a direction opposite to self-love.
I have been avoiding rides on the office bus because I want to avoid talks about the progress on my weight loss which BTW has been stagnant for whatever reasons!
The fear and apprehension I feel while meeting strangers and sometimes even known individuals, make me rethink if that "I am an EXTROVERT" statement I highlight in my resume is a as big a lie as "my only weakness is being too eager to work!"
Till lately, I believed the source of my complex was my weight and the only way to get rid of this was getting rid of the extra kgs. I lost a lot of the weight but I did I lose the complex?
Not really!
I am coming to realize that its not the weight or the receding hair or the crooked teeth or sagging breasts that are singularly the causes my complex and trying to fix these has only pulled me down the dark hole. In-fact I have had complexes of my complex, funny as it sounds, its there.
Am I the only one? Am I the weird one? This thought often adds to the mess. Today, it occurred to me that I may be the weird one but I am definitely not the only one! Which strangely, is a relief.
I keep consuming a lot of body positive content thanks to social media and the comments section of all these videos / pictures / posts is just so nasty! hats off to the people managing these posts who deal with the negativity of the physical world and also that additional, super nasty, completely uncensored and unabashed crap thrown at them and still produce new content to lift up the spirits and fix broken smiles like mine!
I wish my thoughts could reach every person who made it worse for me, I wish my post was actually read, understood and acted upon and not just garner digital currency. I wish I could speak to each and every person who made me feel less and made me believe that I was worth my complex, that it is not OK!
As a child I was made to believe that it is best to blend in and it is a must to fit in. Today, all the positives of the weight loss feat I achieved in 1.5 years of hard work, dedication and determination is belittled when some random lady from the bus asks me, am I doing anything for the lose skin.
It is easy for anyone to tell me to not give a f*ck about what people tell me, I too say the same thing when sitting on the other side of the table but is that as simple as it seems?
In most of my posts I talk about my experience in the light of what I have learnt, this, however is different! Today, I want to understand your coping mechanisms and see if I could deal with situations in a way that heal more than harm!
So lately I have been travelling to work with Mr. Husband and amidst some cozy PDA, we have been engaging in some worldly knowledge sharing sessions. The beauty of these conversations is that before we come to conclusions, it is time to say see you in the evening!
One such conversation today made ponder, retrospect and introspect!
Complex!
Sounds difficult and is difficult to understand and express! Complex!
We spoke of someone we know an how I felt they had a deep complex of how they looked and the fact that to us, this individual seemed perfectly normal and in fact really radiant. While we discussed the positives of this individuals, it was time for me to get off the comfortable car ride and hop on to the bumpy auto ride to my work place.
On my ride ahead, I kept thinking of this person and what could have led to them think of themselves as inferior. Lost in thoughts, I actually forgot who I was thinking about, was I still analyzing a third person or was I thinking about myself?
I say that I don't care about what people think and feel about me, but the picture of that flabby arm bothers me more than my classic expressions in the picture. My newly fitted, size 12 dress amuses me less than the fact that my teeth look yellow. Looking at nostalgic videos, I am really insecure about how stupid I sound when listening to my recorded voice.
The list of my complexes can definitely beat Sanjay Dutt's list of drugs he tried before going to that fancy rehab where they take you trekking to forget drugs and dance to desterss!
So what do complexes do? For me, my complexes have made me do a lot and most things in a direction opposite to self-love.
I have been avoiding rides on the office bus because I want to avoid talks about the progress on my weight loss which BTW has been stagnant for whatever reasons!
The fear and apprehension I feel while meeting strangers and sometimes even known individuals, make me rethink if that "I am an EXTROVERT" statement I highlight in my resume is a as big a lie as "my only weakness is being too eager to work!"
Till lately, I believed the source of my complex was my weight and the only way to get rid of this was getting rid of the extra kgs. I lost a lot of the weight but I did I lose the complex?
Not really!
I am coming to realize that its not the weight or the receding hair or the crooked teeth or sagging breasts that are singularly the causes my complex and trying to fix these has only pulled me down the dark hole. In-fact I have had complexes of my complex, funny as it sounds, its there.
Am I the only one? Am I the weird one? This thought often adds to the mess. Today, it occurred to me that I may be the weird one but I am definitely not the only one! Which strangely, is a relief.
I keep consuming a lot of body positive content thanks to social media and the comments section of all these videos / pictures / posts is just so nasty! hats off to the people managing these posts who deal with the negativity of the physical world and also that additional, super nasty, completely uncensored and unabashed crap thrown at them and still produce new content to lift up the spirits and fix broken smiles like mine!
I wish my thoughts could reach every person who made it worse for me, I wish my post was actually read, understood and acted upon and not just garner digital currency. I wish I could speak to each and every person who made me feel less and made me believe that I was worth my complex, that it is not OK!
As a child I was made to believe that it is best to blend in and it is a must to fit in. Today, all the positives of the weight loss feat I achieved in 1.5 years of hard work, dedication and determination is belittled when some random lady from the bus asks me, am I doing anything for the lose skin.
It is easy for anyone to tell me to not give a f*ck about what people tell me, I too say the same thing when sitting on the other side of the table but is that as simple as it seems?
In most of my posts I talk about my experience in the light of what I have learnt, this, however is different! Today, I want to understand your coping mechanisms and see if I could deal with situations in a way that heal more than harm!
Respect urself...&u have already done wonders with u..
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words :)
DeleteThere is no one way really. Growing up, I always struggled between my desire to stand out from the crowd and the pressure to fit in. Without realizing, I grew up to be so defensive that even my existence sometimes seemed a liability to me. I was sorry for my thin, straight hair (which lately I've realized I love the most in my physical traits), my weight, my entire ineffectual personality. It was so stressful. Somehow, without wanting, without trying I always felt like a loser. It's so traumatizing for a child. You can't communicate right, you are in constant fear of screwing up and more often than not, you don't try anything new because you don't want to fail once again.
ReplyDeletePeople who comment on physical characteristics, especially weight, never realize how much internal struggle the other person is facing already and just one thing can drive them over the edge I suppose bringing others down somehow makes them feel better about their own lives.
There are still some very dark days, but now I have learned to filter out most of the noise. A girl in my office, whom I meet once a week always has to comment on how much have I gained. She's no friend. Not even a colleague. We just see each other and exchange hellos, and in that short span, she somehow manages to come up with this comment every single time. This is so random that I basically laugh now after she's gone.
I understand Prajakta, how much you would have had to endure in your journey, and I wish you all the best. To answer your question, I deal with them the way I do with the pebbles that get in my way. I throw them away without a single thought. They are no one to me. Their opinion doesn't matter to me, nor does their existence. It's a lot more difficult when it's people close to you who do that, without often realizing how sensitive I can be to these fleeting remarks. I communicate most of the time, sometimes in jest, sometimes seriously. But mostly, I stay away from the people who cannot accept me the way I am.
Once again, all the best. Stay positive. And filter out the noise. It's useless and distracting.
Hey Anima, that is such a candid, beautiful sharing! And we went to the same B-School together, never really got a chance to speak to you at this level! I am so glad you shared and I really find your route of treating them as pebbles quite reassuring :) ... I hope someday I don't practically throw one at any of them :P
DeleteI have been following your writing since a while, and I really like how articulate you are. Please keep up the good work!
DeleteTrue, we never really had a chance to talk in college, probably because we ran in different circles. Missed the chance to know you! Anyway, keep writing and I really hope you do kick the pebble at them, haha! More power to you girl.
Prajakta let me say I admire your effort and the amount of weight you've lost in 1.5 years. ��
ReplyDeleteI could maybe relate to only a fraction of what you are going through because the body standards for women in our society are pretty unrealistic. Even the lack of eye liner/ kajal on your eye could get you a comment like " Are you unwell? ".
I went through a similar process of losing weight years back. As soon as I lost weight it lost all meaning for me. I realised how superficial people are which was saddening. Every compliment made it even more meaningless.
Off late I ve been balding and gained about 10 kg.
So I keep on shaving my head twice a year and embracing it. Which helps me and others especially the ones close to me to accept it. And I make fun of it in front of new acquaintances which empowers me, turning it into a positive.
The 10 kg weight is a recent thing. So everyone close to me points it out about thrice a week ( in their defence being fairly lean a little lower belly fat is evident)like some medicine. So now I reply with " I going to grow fatter".( Yes, I m aware 10 kg might also sound silly to you��)
In both the cases I m lowering their expectation in advance. Which has helped me. This may seem counterproductive but it works for me.This is how I deal with it. Hope this helps you in some way! There ll be tough days but please don't give up!!��
This really sounds so similar to what I hear. This 1.5 year is just another cycle that has yielded good results and the weight has often come back in the past. Thanks for sharing your coping mechanism! Keep in touch and stay blessed!
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